if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
