i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
