I am in a vortex of obligation.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
