lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
