he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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