I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
