You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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