Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
