I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
