about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
