If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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