my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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