On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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