I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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