Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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