I'm pants shitting drunk right now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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