Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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