I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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