Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
