come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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