A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
