the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
