oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
