My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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