flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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