Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
