I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
