Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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