we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
