My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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