Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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