some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
