i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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