I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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