So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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