2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
