Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
