Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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