my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
