Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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