You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
