You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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