I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?