Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating