you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
