Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
