I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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