Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
