who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
