woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
