I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
