So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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