woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
