the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
being pregnant is like rehab
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
