Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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