but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
